Being that it is the first day o October...and my due-date-month... I wore a special shirt today. "Yes, I swallowed a pumpkin!"
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Dear non-pregnant person,
Although there may be a grain of truth in there, this is just a funny - please no one take offence!
Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ass (including, “Did you plan this?”)
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the name of the baby.
4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance, and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.
7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
8) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
9) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.
I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better.
Signed,
All Pregnant Women
Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ass (including, “Did you plan this?”)
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the name of the baby.
4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance, and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.
7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
8) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
9) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.
I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better.
Signed,
All Pregnant Women
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Ok, where are the cameras? This has got to be part of a comedy show...
Since you have all seen my baby belly now (if not, click here), you can understand how difficult it would be for me to try to retrieve something (such as a cell phone) under the bed. But that's just what I had to do this morning:
I'm sitting in the living room when I hear my phone beep that I have a new text message. The phone is on the bedside table in the bedroom so I get up to walk in there to see what the message is.
As I pick up my phone, I accidentally drop it and it slips between the bed and the table to the floor.
Bracing myself with one hand, I managed to get down on hands and knees to see if I could spot my slippery cell phone. I couldn't.
So, because my stomach is in the way, I can't lay on my stomach to search under the bed so I have to lay on my side. First one side and then the other in order to see under both the bed and the table. Not the easiest of things to do. I can't just simply roll over...can't be on the tummy remember. I have to first get back on hands and knees then switch positions. Unfortunately, this still didn't work. I still couldn't see my phone.
I heave myself back up and go in search of a working flashlight - which I cannot seem to find/ Instead I grab a little glass tea light holder and stick a tea light into it, light it, and bring it back to the bedroom where I sit it on the floor before getting back into "position."
Unfortunately, as I'm lowering myself down, huffing and puffing apparently, I accidental blow out the flame requiring that I again get back up to go get the lighter and re-light the candle. Without breathing this time, I get back down (again) and slide the candle under the bed to hopefully shed some light on the situation and find my phone. Still found nothing.
I'm starting to wonder if my phone pulled a Harry Houdini and just vanished when I remembered that there was a flashlight in the truck. I dig out the keys and after a couple minutes of searching, find the Mag light.
Back in the bedroom, before trying to get down on the floor again, I shine the light down between the bed and the table as well as behind both. Nothing.
So for the fourth time I find myself lowering myself onto my side to look under the bed and that darn table. NOTHING! Where the heck is this thing??
As I'm down there, I notice how disgusting it is under there. Wondering what else is under the bed, I sweep the light towards the middle of (under) the bed... and I see the corner of my phone sticking out from under something (? what IS that?).
Sigh... If I could get on my tummy, I could probably reach it, but as I can't... I can't. Up again to go find the broom to use the handle the knock the phone into reach.
After getting on the floor for now what is the fifth time, I manage to knock the phone out from under the bed, which my cat finds interesting so he begins to "fight" with the phone and before I can get to him, he knocks it BACK under the bed!
Back down again for the SIXTH time! Luckily this time I can reach it!
Without even getting up off the floor, I sit and read my message: "I love you." from my husband. Sigh... I love you too baby...
Sunday, May 31, 2009
just for a giggle...or a head shake...
http://bettertospeak.tumblr.com/post/106444250/why-whyyy
Thursday, May 7, 2009
More funnies from my kids...
From a 2nd grader: "Mrs. A., When you goin' bring yo baby ta schoo?"
Me, laughing and patting my tummy: "Hunny I bring my baby to school every day!"
From a different 2nd grader after seeing me eat some of the 'reward' Skittles I keep in my desk: "Mrs. A is eattin' the Skittles!"
Me giggling because I was caught: "Don't tell all my secrets! The baby wanted some Skittles."
Her: "Nuh-uh.. babies don't eat Skittles, they drink milk!"
Me: "Well until it's born, my baby eats whatever I do."
So the rest of the day, anytime I was eating or drinking anything she would ask, "Your baby eating/drinking __________ (whatever it happened to be)?"
From a 6th grader: "Ohhhh... Mrs. A... Your stomach is getting so fat! You gonna have a chubby baby!"
And a not-so-funny, but a really really sweet:
One of my first graders was painting a picture presumably for his mother for Mother's Day. It had a picture of himself under a tree and the words, "Hapey Mothrs Da!" He gave it to me at the end of the day and said, "It's from your baby." :)
Me, laughing and patting my tummy: "Hunny I bring my baby to school every day!"
From a different 2nd grader after seeing me eat some of the 'reward' Skittles I keep in my desk: "Mrs. A is eattin' the Skittles!"
Me giggling because I was caught: "Don't tell all my secrets! The baby wanted some Skittles."
Her: "Nuh-uh.. babies don't eat Skittles, they drink milk!"
Me: "Well until it's born, my baby eats whatever I do."
So the rest of the day, anytime I was eating or drinking anything she would ask, "Your baby eating/drinking __________ (whatever it happened to be)?"
From a 6th grader: "Ohhhh... Mrs. A... Your stomach is getting so fat! You gonna have a chubby baby!"
And a not-so-funny, but a really really sweet:
One of my first graders was painting a picture presumably for his mother for Mother's Day. It had a picture of himself under a tree and the words, "Hapey Mothrs Da!" He gave it to me at the end of the day and said, "It's from your baby." :)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The cat is out of the bag!
My students crack me up!
One of my lower functioning younger students overheard one of the other teachers say something to me about my pregnancy. It was then repeated later in the cafeteria.... and in line... and in other classes... and all over the school! Eventually my older (6th grade) students started giggling behind my back - they just had the whole sex ed/health talk not long ago.
A few brave souls have come up to me and either asked in whispers, "Are you pregnant?" or started off with the more self preserving, "Someone told me that..."
Their reactions were just as funny as their asking was. Most of the girls were happy and hugged me while most of the boys (who came usually in groups), started laughing and punching each other playfully saying, "I told ya so!" When I confirmed it for one boy in particular, his response was "Bow chicka wah wah!" as he walked off.
During 6th grade math remediation today, one of my more...ahem..."active" boys was doing his normal (unmedicated ADHD) thing. When I said name is a less than perfectly calm manner (as it had not been the first time I called his name in the 30 minutes I had him), he looked up at me and yelled, "Mrs. A, don't stress the baby!" to which he was rewarded by the giggles and laughs of his classmates (and yes, he eventually got me to giggle at that one too).
One of my lower functioning younger students overheard one of the other teachers say something to me about my pregnancy. It was then repeated later in the cafeteria.... and in line... and in other classes... and all over the school! Eventually my older (6th grade) students started giggling behind my back - they just had the whole sex ed/health talk not long ago.
A few brave souls have come up to me and either asked in whispers, "Are you pregnant?" or started off with the more self preserving, "Someone told me that..."
Their reactions were just as funny as their asking was. Most of the girls were happy and hugged me while most of the boys (who came usually in groups), started laughing and punching each other playfully saying, "I told ya so!" When I confirmed it for one boy in particular, his response was "Bow chicka wah wah!" as he walked off.
During 6th grade math remediation today, one of my more...ahem..."active" boys was doing his normal (unmedicated ADHD) thing. When I said name is a less than perfectly calm manner (as it had not been the first time I called his name in the 30 minutes I had him), he looked up at me and yelled, "Mrs. A, don't stress the baby!" to which he was rewarded by the giggles and laughs of his classmates (and yes, he eventually got me to giggle at that one too).
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I have to laugh at today's Bible verse:
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake.- 1 Timothy v. 23.
I know that "back in the day" the water wasn't all that good to drink and wine was actually safer, but really, is that the best Bible verse they can find for a PREGNANT woman today? hahaha :)
Then again, perhaps today's verse isn't for me after all. Perhaps it is for my husband. It is quite possible that he needs a glass of wine (or two) to deal with my hormonal moods and random food cravings!
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake.- 1 Timothy v. 23.
I know that "back in the day" the water wasn't all that good to drink and wine was actually safer, but really, is that the best Bible verse they can find for a PREGNANT woman today? hahaha :)
Then again, perhaps today's verse isn't for me after all. Perhaps it is for my husband. It is quite possible that he needs a glass of wine (or two) to deal with my hormonal moods and random food cravings!
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